I'm creating spaciousness for myself.
I'm recovering from a super-coaster cycle. The biggest super-coaster I've ever been on.
I've been on cycles like this before, more times than I'd like to admit. Some have been just a small blip. But this one - oooffff, it was a DOOZIE!
Creating this cycle is never intentional. I'm surprised to have created one again, but I see, in hindsight, how inevitable it is. I take on, accept, bite off massive chunks of life that require huge amounts of time, energy, resources, creativity, heart, and sometimes, my soul.
At the peak of the cycle, I am overwhelmed and snippy. I'm pulling things together at the last minute, working at 4am, eating chips, pouring glasses of wine (not at 4am), trying to keep up. My self-awareness whispers in the background, I just can't take action. I'm so stuck in this cycle.
I know what I need to do, but I don't do it. Because I can't. I'm stuck. So what do I do? Plow through - nose down, ass up.
June was the height of one of these super-coaster cycles. Life was too much - personally, professionally, emotionally, mentally, and energetically.
It. Was. Too. Much.
In early July, my family went on a lovely sea-side vacation for 5 days. I realized when we got home that I was still so very tired. Drained in every sense of the word. My tank was bone dry. How could I jump back into life with an empty tank? What the hell was I going to do?
I've been called brave for what life has brought me over the last couple of years. I appreciate and understand the intention and the care behind this lovely assessment, but I've never done the truly brave thing; the thing I never thought I could do, would do, and yet knew I needed to do.
Life is inviting me to put me first.
I needed to take a critical look at my list. You know the one on which many women place themselves at the very bottom; where everyone and everything else comes first. I'll rest when these 27 things are done; I'll go for a walk, get a massage, read that book, take a long hot bath. But we know that never happens; that rest never comes because we keep adding to the mother-fricking list!
The analogy from my aviation days comes to mind - put your own mask on before assisting others. It's not just a really important safety instruction; it's a life instruction. Continuing to believe that I could show up and be my best self for my family, friends, and clients, when I constantly ran on empty, was absolutely ridiculous.
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​I see things differently after taking time to pause and reflect over the last few weeks. No one did this to me. I'm not a victim or at the mercy of life. I did this too much-ness. I accepted and took it all on.
I won't do this again.
After numerous times in this same cycle, I'm learning. Halleluiah, I'm learning!
What I need now is time and space to integrate my learning; to refresh and recharge my body, my soul, my heart, and my mind; to feel what I've been too busy to feel; to slow down and have space to create; to be curious; to allow life - all of it - to fill me; to be present in my own body and in my own life.
Over the next few weeks, I will continue to invite this spaciousness. It is an incredibly important time for me to learn - not just in my head, also in my body - how to change this cycle that I'm so masterful at creating. Change like this takes time and commitment. I will be working to unlearn this cycle and, instead, learn what will support me in my life ahead. The rhythm of my life will feel differently from now on because I'm making this commitment to myself.
Full disclosure. This. Is. Hard. Every fibre of my being wants to be doing stuff; signing up for a new course, saying yes to new client prospects, creating new programs for the fall, ordering more books from Amazon, getting 'on top' of my inbox, organizing my office. All the shiny and new - it's so exciting.
But it's exactly what I need to NOT do. Every pull or tug is a reminder for me to say no; to decline. Good ideas will still be there when I'm ready for them. This is a critically important time for me to practice and really engrain this spaciousness into my body, not just in my head.
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I invite you along.
Perhaps you'll find ways to be brave in whatever way that is for you - to find ways to don your own mask first, to listen to what your body needs and the wisdom it has when you listen, to see the beauty of being present in your own life and with those you love.
From my heart to yours,
xoxo
Ila
If you pause for long enough to don your headphones, I encourage you to listen to an episode or two of my podcast, Trust on Purpose, where my co-host, Charles Feltman, and I discuss all things related to being purposeful about building strong trust in our human relationships.